Disturbing Laboratory Journal from 1961
July 6th, 1961
Today was strange. It
started out fairly standard I suppose. I was performing routine observation of
the Tetraodontiformes - basic stuff. Not very interesting. Maybe they seemed a
little agitated today but they’re fish so it’s hard to tell what’s agitated and
what’s hungry. So, it really started out quite normal, I suppose. Around noon
Paul came around and asked me to fill in
for Mo in the Marine Immunology department. They’ve been gone for weeks - out
sick apparently. I sure hope they’re doing okay. Must be pretty bad to keep
them away from work this long. Mo was practically married to their work.
Anyway, Marine Immunology department is light years more interesting than
Tetraodontiformes so at least that’s a step up.
I met this woman today -
Martha. I’ve never seen her before but she said she’s been with Cape Haze
Marine Laboratory for years now. Must just be a departmental thing. Sometimes
it feels like I go months without seeing my pal Jimmy and he only works one
department over, so I guess it’s not totally unreasonable to have never met
Martha before.
She seems nice, she’s
witty, seems curious about the animals in an almost giddy way? She says she’s
dreamed of being a marine biologist since she was a kid. It’s kind of nice to
see people achieving their dreams like that. She seems a little distant though
- always carries that clipboard of hers around. She always seems to be taking
notes on something - I didn’t ask about what. But she always seems like she’s
supposed to be wherever she is. I don’t feel the need to challenge her
authority here really, after all - I’m only a temp in this department.
July 20th, 1961
I’ve learned a little more
about Martha in the time I’ve spent working with her here. Apparently she’s a
research assistant and liaison with another laboratory also studying Marine
Immunology and she’s very interested in why the immune systems and behavior
patterns of marine animals was so peculiar in this particular area. For some
reason whenever I talk to her I feel like there’s a part of the story she’s not
telling me. She has a bit of a mysterious air about her sometimes - maybe
that’s from the constant scribbling in her clipboard. I asked her once what she
writes there and she said they were just findings and observations. But I’ve
seen her writing in that thing just among other coworkers so unless she’s
constantly thinking about fish - wich I guess could be the case (she does seem
very dedicated to her work) I’m not sure I believe her.
We’ve been focused on the
unusual migratory patterns of the marine vertebrates under direct study - a
unusual number and combination of animals congregate in specific areas around
Sarasota in particular. Today though, we made a very interesting discovery. We
have documented strange and unexpected immune responses in animals around the
bay that varied widely from responses gathered from other laboratories. Martha
sent me to compare the data and something very strange has to be affecting the
animals in the Sarasota Bay area. I’m really not sure what. In all my years
studying marine biology I’ve never seen patterns quite like this. Something in
the animals’ immune systems is responding favorably to the conditions of the
water around the Sarasota bay. But it’s only happening here. And it
unidentifiable. There’s no clear answer to the source. Dissolved oxygen,
chemical makeup, temperature, and tide levels in the Sarasota bay have
negligible discrepancies with the surrounding areas but for some reason the
animals flock here - thrive here. In
a way I’ve never seen before.
Although, I suppose I
wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t know where to look. That’s the other thing
about Martha. She always seems to know exactly where to look. She was the one
who suggested I look more deeply into migration patterns and the cytotoxic
factors and their effect on the animal’s immune systems. She pulled resources
at her liaison lab and got all their records and research documents for me.
Every stone she leads me to has something new and mysterious underneath it. She
either has incredibly good hunches, or knows way more than the rest of us do.
July 21, 1961
I’m completely stumped. I
don’t even know where to start looking for information about these behavioral
patterns. And growth patterns too.
Due to their unique immune responses many of the animals here are statistically
larger than is standard for their species. I can’t find any documented
resources in the laboratory files and no one else in the lab seems to have
noticed what’s going on. They’re all curious, to be sure, but they’re also
sceptical since the data seems so inconceivable and can’t be backed by other
labs. Hopefully Martha and I can figure this out
July 30, 1961
Today Martha mentioned
that findings reminded her of something
she read a long time ago and she pointed me in the direction of a very old book
on the history and biology of marine wildlife in the area. I found it at the
public library. This book is in terrible condition. There are notes scribbled
all over it and a dozen folded pages and it’s sustained horrible water damage.
I’m not sure how much help this old book is going to be, but hopefully it gives
us something.
July 31, 1961
I haven’t pulled an
all-nighter since grad school. Once I started reading I just couldn't put it
down. It’s fascinating! It’s old but all
the notes written in the margins are much more recent. Years and years of
research of the animals and their relationship to the bay compiled and built
upon by so many people. All the handwriting is different. Some of it is faded,
some of it is hard to read, but all of it is incredible and mind boggling. It
feels like just the beginning of something much deeper. Mina scolded me for
bringing my work home when I pulled the book out at the dinner table, but I
barely noticed. I said something like “when was the last time you read a book
so good you couldn't stop” and she seemed to accept that. I don’t even remember
eating breakfast this morning. I don’t really remember driving to the lab
either, strangely. But I must have gotten there somehow. I didn’t see Martha
today. I’m not sure I saw anyone today, besides the fish. I’m a little worried
that this feels like a rabbit hole situation, but I’ honestly too excited to
care. This could be a major scientific breakthrough and I want to be a part of
it!
Something that until now everyone was just on
the edge of discovering. They were starting to put the pieces together but no
one could find the last one. Maybe I can find it. Maybe the secret is in the
complex and mutated immunology of the vertebrates inhabiting the bay…
____________________________________________________________________________________________
July 31, 1962
Kevin was completely
enamored with his reading tonight. I haven’t any idea what book he’s so
obsessed with but I don’t like it when he brings his work home with him. He
used to do it all the time - he never took his mind off it. Sometimes I swear I could hear him talking about fish in
his sleep. We talked about this. But he looked so upset when I told him to put
it away. He said something about it being so good he couldn’t put it down - and
I guess if he’s truly that passionate about reading a book I shouldn’t stop him
just because the book happens to be about fish. Or, at least, I do think it’s about fish. It’s hard to say.
It looks quite old and the binding has certainly seen better days. I do hope
the librarians are able to mend it. When I looked over his shoulder I noticed
that many of the pages have additional writing in the margins. And I only just
thought of it, but I hope the library is aware of previous vandalism so Kevin
doesn’t have a fine placed on his account for damaging a book.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 7, 1961
I think I might be devoting
a little too much time to research and this book. I can’t really remember what
the last meal I ate was, though I have to assume I ate with my family. I know
it’s been a few days since Martha recommended this book but I can’t tell how
much time has passed since I started reading it. Jimmy said I looked ragged
today, I suppose I haven’t gotten as much sleep as usual. I’ve added a bunch of
my own notes to the book now. Usually I wouldn’t do that to a library book. But
it doesn’t seem like my additions will be very noticable. I’ve marked so many
pages - my experience as a biologist and specific field of study definitely
give me a leg up on whoever found this book before me. I keep trying not to
think of them as idiots. But sometimes the thought crosses my mind that I’m
better than they are. That I’m smarter. That I’ll get to the bottom of this
when they couldn’t. But I try to squash it because it doesn’t feel like me.
That’s just not who I am. I don’t want to think that way. In truth I’m only
building upon the work that came before me. But I will get farther then they
did. I already have.
August 8th, 1961
I wanted to thank Martha
for her recommendation but I had trouble finding her today. I finally did
though and was very interested to see if she could verify any of my findings -
the data and statistics I had compiled were frankly unbelievable. The
correlation between something that must be in the waters of the bay and the
number and relative size and biologic variability in the animals of the bay was
there. But I just couldn't figure out what that something was.
She declined, saying she was being transferred
to another department, but that I was welcome to contact her if I needed any
other resources. I’m disappointed. I suppose this means she trusts my work
without checking it though. It feels good for someone to have so much faith in
me.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 8, 1961
Kevin seems a little
strange lately. He’s still reading that book he brought home. He’s been acting
so oddly though. When he speaks to me it’s as if he’s looking right through me.
I’m not sure he even hears what I say anymore. I am now certain he talks about
fish and their “patterns” in his sleep. Always about their “patterns.” Well, I don’t know much about
marine biology or patterns but I do know that I wish I didn’t have to live with
not only shop-talk at the dinner table but also in bed. Though I suppose I’d
dislike it less if he was actually talking to me about it. He only mumbles to himself. Sometimes I’m not even
sure he knows he’s speaking out loud. It’s troubling. I worry about him. I do
hope that this temp position is over soon. I’d like my husband back please.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 26, 1961
I’m onto something big.
Really big. No one else sees it but it’s right there. It’s so obvious. Paul doesn’t see it, Jimmy
doesn’t see it. Mina doesn’t see it, of course, she never sees anything
important. I haven’t gone out with the guys after work in weeks. I have more
important things to do. I can’t believe they waste so much of their time out after
work grabbing beers. Can’t they see what’s going on? Mina says she’s worried
about me. I want to believe her. She’s my wife, she should worry about me. But
Part of me just believes she selfishly wants to pull me away from my work. She
asks so sweetly what’s gotten into me lately. She spouted off some nonsense
about the Russian manned space flight, like any of that even matters. This is
all that matters. It’s all insignificant and meaningless compared to my
research. This is all that matters.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 26, 1961
Something seems wrong with
Kevin. He snapped at me today. I’m sure
it must be his work. He seems exhausted when he comes home. His mood only seems
to improve when he sits down to read his book. Some of the ladies and I were
talking about the Russian manned space flight earlier and I know Kevin loves
hearing space news - I don’t much understand it myself, but he’s convinced this
is mankind's next big adventure. You know that’s how he won my heart. He took
me stargazing by the beach. He said said his two greatest loves were space and
the ocean and that his love for me was
even greater than those things. He
was so romantic and charming... I
didn’t understand half of the words that came out of his mouth when he talked
about marine biology but he seemed so happy to talk about it and his eyes lit
up in a dazzling way! I want that Kevin back.
Not the one that glares at me when I speak to him. Not the one that doesn’t
seem to want anything to do with me. He says he doesn’t care about space
anymore. That there are bigger and better and more important things to care
about. I feel heartbroken and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m losing him even
though he’s still right here. I hope it’s just stress from work. I just don’t
know what to do.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 30th, 1962
I’ve hit a snag. A dead
end. There’s something I just don’t understand. My findings just can’t seem to
answer anything. This stupid book is no help! I need answers. I need them now.
I need them yesterday. I need them. Martha will know. Martha understands.
Martha has the answers. I’ll ask her tomorrow. She’ll know what to do
August 31, 1961
Martha sees what everyone
else is blind to. She understood immediately. I may have rambled a bit when I
tried to explain to her what I found. But she knew what I meant. She knows I
just need more information before I make
my big breakthrough. She gently suggested another avenue involving an
historical organization that knew secrets about the Bay and the Bayou. She
seemed excited about my dedication. She’s proud of me. I don’t want to let her
down. Martha Supports me. Martha understands.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
August 31, 1961
Kevin is obsessed. I don’t
know what he thinks he’s doing or how important his work really is but I can’t
stand it anymore. This has to stop. This is insane. I just don’t know what he’s
thinking anymore. When he isn’t living at work he’s becoming aggressive and
irritable at home. He refuses to eat dinner with me or talk with me - at all, much less about this. None of my friends know what to do. They suggested
psychiatric treatment but Kevin would never agree to something that rash. I
don’t even know him anymore.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
September 4th, 1961
Mina refuses to leave me
alone! Dammit! She calls this an “insane hobby” and that I’m becoming
“obsessive” and “withdrawn.” That I’m being “unhealthy” and blah blah BLAH.
She’s just trying to keep me from the truth. I can’t believe my own wife would
be so unsupportive. Martha tells me Mina just doesn’t understand. That she’s
just being selfish. That it’s not her fault she can’t comprehend things the way
I can. Martha knows. She understands that the things I’m finding are important
- revolutionary! She supports me always! Even when I feel like giving up, even
when I think I might want to stop - She pushes me on! She pushes me farther! Deeper!
Martha is the only reason I know what I know now. She knows I’m so close to
finding it. I can feel it.
September 15th, 1961
I’m so close to a truth. I
can tell. I can tell because Martha looks so excited every time I find
something new. She looks almost giddy. Elated. I’m heading in the right
direction.There
are now whispers of giant squids with
strange abilities and megalodons with jaws that swallowed people and sent them
strange places that no one could explain. Martha listens intently and keeps
nodding at me. I want to tell her everything. About the notes, about the squid, about
the shark and it’s beautiful gaping maw. I’m writing from my lab today. I can’t
go back home now. I can’t be around Mina anymore. She holds me back. My lab is
far more useful anyway. All my findings are here. It might look like a mess to
a fool, but to Martha and I it’s the room of a genius. I have excerpts of the
book pinned to the walls. The walls themselves are covered in diagrams that I’m
proud to have discovered. Some might call it feverish, madness, insanity. Those
people are blind fools. This lab is a haven now. A treasure trove of
information just waiting to be put together in the right order. I will be the
one to do it. Martha and I together. We can do it. We will do it. It’s so close
I can almost taste it. It tastes like salt water.
September 20th, 1961
Martha is gone. She just
vanished. Like she was never here. I can’t believe this. She left no notice,
she didn’t say where she was going, she didn’t tell me. But I will solve this riddle for her. This
puzzle she left me with. There’s an answer and whether she’s here or not, I
know she wants me to see it through. She’ll be so proud of me. She’ll be so impressed. I’ll find it. Mark my words
I’ll find it. I’m the only one who can. Only I am strong enough, smart enough.
The other’s failed, but I won't.
September 21, 1961
I know where Martha is. I
can hear the animals now. My brain tickles like it’s about to sneeze. It must
be because I’m almost there. She’s waiting for me. She knew I would find her.
She’s waiting for me there. I have to go to her. I have to go now. I have to hurry. Martha knows. She
knows I’m coming. They’re calling to me. All of them. So loudly now. She’ll be
there.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
September 26th, 1961
It’s been five days since my husband went
missing. Five days ago I woke up in the middle of the night because I heard the
most terrible noise. It sounded rather like something had fallen down the
stairs. Kevin wasn’t in bed, which isn’t unusual anymore. He hadn’t been
sleeping well lately. He’s been so wrapped up in his research - I’m still not
sure about what. I suppose it doesn’t matter much anymore. I’m really just not
sure how to handle any of this. It all happened so fast. I got up to see what
had made the noise and I saw Kevin picking himself up at the bottom of the
stairs. I called out to him to see if he was hurt. I ran down the stairs to see
if he was okay, but faster then I could reach him, he had the front door
unlocked and ran out of the house, not even bothering to shut the door behind
him. He was dressed only in his pajamas and was barefoot. I was so worried he
would catch a cold. I should have been more worried then that, I guess. I
called the police who said they would look for him, but they seemed like they
were laughing at me. I went back to bed but didn’t sleep a wink after that. I
waited all day the next day but he never came home. I waited all day the day
after that - nothing. I called the police department again. I told them my
husband was missing. I cried, I cursed. I was distraught and am now embarrassed
by how unhinged I must have sounded. They promised they would open a file. They
told me that they would bring my husband back. I still don’t really know what
to feel. I don’t know if Kevin is alive or dead. I don’t even know if I want to
know. The past few months I’ve felt like I was living with a different person.
A person who I did not understand the way I understood Kevin. Maybe he realized
that and just decided to leave.
September 27th, 1961
A lovely woman named Martha came by today
to offer her condolences. She said she worked with my husband at the Cape Haze
Marine Laboratory and was very sorry to hear that he had gone missing. We
talked about Kevin for a while, laughing over some of his antics. He apparently
was just as much of a clutz at work as he was at home. She seemed so lovely and
kind - a good person, I can tell. She eventually had to go but before she left
she pulled out a book and set it down of the coffee table. She said it was
Kevin’s favorite - that he was always reading it on the job - and that giving
it a try myself might help me feel more connected to him. I remember him
pouring over a book a couple months ago and he always seemed so delighted by
it. I thanked her and as she left she said she hoped they found him soon. She
said she knew he’d come home. I really want to believe her. She seems to
understand. I have the book on my nightstand now. Perhaps I’ll read a passage
or two before I turn in for the night...
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