Trash Man the Grouch
I found this archived blog article, I don't know when it was shut down but I remember hearing about this guy Jeremy. He was kinda popular in high school I remember seeing every one reading his post. Read it for yourself. Insane. Haven't heard or seen anything else on Trash Man after this either. -CB
What’s up Downers
and new fans! I’ve got another interview for you guys and this one is straight
off the streets. You know how we do it here on The Slime! If it ain’t raw it
ain’t real! Got to meet some of you while I was out there I gotta say, I love
my fans. Some of you are HOT! HOT! HOT! Some of you are NOT! NOT! NOT! Don’t
worry though, I still appreciate you, I still want you around! But just stand
WAY over there okay! You guys know my mantra “no uglies”. Now let’s talk about
some not so uglies. Fran where you at baby? you said you’d call me! I also
wanna shout out a hottie I met named Trish, still thinking of you ma. Sha-wing!
You guys know what I’m talking about! But, more importantly I want give a
special shout out to Trash Man! You guys know him right!? Mostly hangs out in
the plazas on Fruitville. I know you 17th Street Park love birds
know who I’m talking about, thinking it just be you and her tonight but really
it’s you, her, and the Trash Man! HA!
If you don’t know
this Sarasota legend you need to ask somebody, or get out more or something. I
heard some rumors about him from some of you so I needed to see him for myself.
Apparently, he was a bootlegger in the 20’s which honestly, I call bullshit!
He’d have to be a hundred something years old man, he’s known to have said that
he was immortal but come guys he’s obviously some kooked out bum. We all know
the stigma with the homeless. There’s no way I’d believe any of that rah-rah
nonsense. But, I knew for sure that it’ll make for a great piece so here we
are.
Hey and look man if
you get offended reading this you can go over there to The Tribune or some
other monkey suit paper. Haters send me fan mail telling me my writing is
terrible, filled with mistakes, I speak like a 12-year-old on Xbox, or that I
am a disgrace to journalism or, or, that I’m rude person. Now honestly, I love
it! Send me more of that shit please! I love the sound my paper shredder makes
when I feed it your letters. HAHAHAHA! But for real, if you’re offended how about
you just don’t read anything that’s titled “Written by: Jeremy Stevens” do
yourself, me, and the Downers that favor. It’s just pranks and shit talk here
bro. Damn, some of you guys take it so personally.
But, alright, alright, alright before I make
this too much about me (just had to show the new fans what I’m about) let’s get
into who we’re really here for. I found
Trash Man, more like I heard Trash Man from 3 blocks down. He was singing his
classic “shoobi-du-whap-bop-bop-boop give me some money!” jingle. I had to run
after him cause he was actually chasing down other people to give him some
money. That crack head speed is no joke! Man, you guys better share this and
get it to The Slime’s front page cause this dude really stunk! It was unbearable!
So, you heard it here first guys, all homeless people smell bad. But, I pulled
through for you guys.
He started off very
belligerent, of course he asked me for some money too, I was feeling generous
so I tossed a quarter into his collection sock. He started singing again…man
the first 10 minutes of the recording is just a mess! His grunts and my
frustrated yells, cars whizzing by and the wind blowing the audio to crap. This
guy was no easy catch. Had to follow him till he finally gave in. If you don’t know
Trash Man, just imagine Louie Armstrong talking but if Louie didn’t know he had
that voice. He’s known for singing to people at restaurants, bars, bathrooms.
You’ll just be sitting in the waiting room at Duval’s and he’ll plop right by
you and tell you not to go out at night, that people are being tooken (his
words) and then sing you another one of his jingles. He’s literally insane,
But, that’s Trash Man for ya.
You could also
probably catch him in Saint Armands yelling about Frankie and her radio show.
If You ask me they belong together, they’re both crazy. Maybe that’s why he
does it. He’s probably got the hots for her or something. Million-dollar idea
right now! Trash Man t-shirts. I mean he has so many famous one-liners (Don’t
you go taking my ideas you vultures!) He goes far enough to call himself a
prophet. Hope you guys got a good chuckle out of that.
I offered to buy
him some food if he’d sit down with me for a while and just tell me about his
life. Told him my name was Jeremy and nodded. After sitting down with him he
got really quiet. It took a while for me to get anything out of him. I almost
took him for a lost cause.
JS: So, where are you
from Trash Man?
I don’t even know anymore Jeremy I’ve been everywhere, seen
all things, I’m from and a part of everywhere.
JS: But I heard you
were from Arizona.
Yeah I’m from there too.
JS: Alright Trashy
well- oh can I call you Trashy?
No fool!
JS: Okay well that
what do I call you? Do you really want me to say Trash Man every time I mention
you? What’s your real name?
I can’t tell you that.
JS: So, Trash man it
is?
Bingo.
JS: Okay? Did you
give yourself that name?
Yes.
JS: Why dude?
It matches how people see me nowadays.
JS: Could you blame
them? I mean dude you definitely do not fit in the norm. You sing and beg for
money, walk the streets shouting nonsense to anyone unlucky enough to get too
close to you, and bro you are far from clean. I mean no offense, just some
criticism.
[No Response]
JS: Moving on. You
said you’ve been everywhere. So why live here in Sarasota then? I remember you
from since I was a kid. What’s kept you here? Lived here all my life and I
don’t see anything too special.
There’s plenty to learn from this place.
JS: Okay like what?
That “nonsense” I speak for example. All of you, oblivious
to no end. You look around you blindly. This town is painted in muck. And now
with the internet you’d think people would be more aware. Your generation has
the tools to discover every mystery. Yet, people still go missing without a
trace. Like that Bradley boy.
JS: You don’t think
that crazy talk? The police were on that months ago. He got lost in the woods
and eaten by a gator, end of story. There’s no mystery man. What do you expect
us to do? Walk around forming gangs with our own detective dog? Let me tell you
how I see this place. A coastal sea side town with too many old people, not
enough bars, and way too many statues.
Well at least you’re aware of that.
JS: Okay well tell me
this. If there’s some jeepers creepers crap going on behind everyone’s back,
why don’t you just come right out and tell me about it? It’s hard to take you
seriously when you’re being so vague bro.
I know you’re just trying to make a fool out of me. I’ve
seen your articles. You go around messing with any one for content to post
about. I know no matter what I tell you, you won’t take it seriously and
neither will those who read this. For anyone to ever take me seriously they
have to see what I’ve seen for themselves. Unfortunately, that usually means
trouble.
JS: Okay fair enough.
So how about we start over? Let’s get serious I really want to know more about
you, like I said I remember you from years back. I’ve always wondered a lot of
things. So, how about you get it out there. Tells us all we need to know about
Trash man. I bet no one has ever asked you that before huh?
Okay. You got me, I’ll play along here. I really couldn’t
tell you when I was born or where for that matter. It was so long ago that the
memory is a blur, along with the few hundred years that came after that. I do
know that until recently I traveled along with the circus. What great times
were those! You haven’t lived till you raced a tiger in a packed clown car. In
my younger years, I was a bit more daring, or maybe it was just the company I
kept.
JS: So, wait wait
wait! Those rumors of you being a bootlegger are fake? Cause you woulda been
clownin in the 20’s so the times don’t match up.
Well no actually, not a rumor. I wasn’t a clown all year around.
The circus actually took long breaks. Ringling was a little weird like that.
But, he was the boss man, so there wasn’t much we could do, busy man. I had to
find something to keep afloat during the off season and lucky for me I landed
at this place which at the time anybody who was anybody had built their getaway
homes. Those were my customers, and their friends of course. Charlie Chaplin,
best drinker I have ever seen. You know Andre the Giant, right? Had nothing on
Chaplin.
JS: Well shit.
Yes, but those days are over and I’m the only human relic
left. Penniless.
JS: Is this where you
get into serious stuff? Come on man what went wrong?
This is serious, Jeremy. It still affects this town till
this day. I lost all of my friends and so will you. I’m still alive, but my
life was stolen la long time ago. People are being taken, really just think
about it. Isn’t it weird how there are way too many missing cases here in
Sarasota. Yet, no one talks about it and so many go unreported.
You noticed the statues! Don’t some of them look familiar to
you? I know you could feel the aura of this place. It makes your skin crawl!
There’s this plan that someone or someone’s getting ready to act on. I don’t know
what. Every time I get close to finding out I barely escape with my life.
Don’t be surprised if
the next statue you see is me. But, you have to believe me There is a group of
people some of them people you know and some maybe even your closest friends.
They use people as resources. We’re just energy to them.
JS: Okay okay let me
just make sure I have all this down. Wow. Alright, so I’m gonna list it off:
Weird group/cult sort of thing going on, people statues, scary feels, one
gigantic fucking crazy bozo! Trash Man look it all seems interesting but you
just can’t expect us to be that stupid. You really are crazy if you think
anyone would take your s-
That’s the end of my
recording. I left in just the gold moments for you guys. He obviously didn’t
take it so well. Shortly after he stormed off. Pointed at a garbage truck and
disappeared. I paid for the food and left. Went home and laughed for a good
hour. Never have I ever met such a weird kook in life. He almost had me feeling
sorry for a moment. Like I was an asshole or something. I really thought he was
gonna tell me some serious shit. But, oh well. This just goes to show that this
city needs to do a better job of cleaning the streets and taking care of those
who mentally ill like Trash Man. I’m no doctor but seems to me like he
definitely has some schizoid issues and in all seriousness, he needs some help.
Im gonna start a patreon for those who want to donate. All the proceeds will go
to mental health awareness. Also, share this article so those higher ups and
people who run this town can see the weirdos that we share the streets with.
Maybe then people like Trash Man can get their head cured or something. Not
much else to be said but you know my sign off. If it ain’t raw it ain’t real!